Archive for ‘State of my Ute’

November 22, 2011

Infertility.

McDreamy & I had a talk this weekend. He wanted to know where we are, TTC-wise. His exact words were, “I just need to know where we are. We used to talk about it, but we aren’t talking about it anymore. If we know we need help, why aren’t we getting it? This is me, wanting a baby.”

I cried.

I have a lot of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back to the RE yet. Want to hear them? Ok, you talked me into it.

1) Because I don’t always ovulate, we haven’t had as many chances as other couples. We just need more chances.

2) The RE wants to do 3 cycles of meds + timed intercourse before pursuing testing. His reasoning is the same as excuse #1. We are OOP for all treatment, BUT testing is covered, so I’d really prefer to do testing first.

3) I don’t want to have to take off work to have testing done (because some of it has to be done on specific days of my cycle, which obviously can’t be scheduled).

4) I don’t want to have to take off work to have ultrasounds, etc. during treatment.

(Side note: neither of these work excuses are because of money/time lost. They are because we are an extremely small operation & I obviously have an inflated sense of my irreplaceability)

5) Maybe there is some cosmic reason I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. (Yes, I hate this excuse, too)

6) I don’t want to admit that I can’t do this. That I need help. Yet one more thing I suck at (this excuse usually surfaces during one of my less-productive mood cycles, when dishes are stacked in the sink & the laundry has taken over the couch).

7) We are OOP for all treatments. It is a lot of money for even the chance at a baby. There are no guarantees. There are so many other things we could spend the money on, if only I can get pregnant on my own (well, I need McDreamy, but you know what I mean).

But really, the biggest reason, I think:

8 ) I will be officially labelled as infertile. Probably to likely unable to conceive without medical help. Maybe just plain unable to conceive.

I’ve known for a while that I have infertility. I’ve talked about it before. But really, until it’s written on a medical chart? I can pretend it’s only a possibility. I can refer to excuse #1, without being labelled “in denial”.

Have you ever heard of “borrowing trouble”? Until that word is written on my chart, I can convince myself that I am borrowing trouble, succumbing to my attention-whoring ways. I have no right to get angry when people say, “Just relax!” The sting I feel when people ask when we are going to have kids isn’t real, I’m just being sensitive.

But here we are, 18 months into this whole baby-making thing. With no baby to show for it. Not even a line on a test. I remember when I first started posting on the baby board I frequent, I met ladies that had been trying for 2+ years. I couldn’t imagine being in their shoes. I couldn’t imagine trying, month after month, for that long. I couldn’t imagine the pain, the disappointment at seeing red at the end of every cycle. Seeing negative after negative test. But always hoping.

We are quickly hurtling towards the 2-year mark. I’ve been on the board for almost 3 years now, & it is strange to me to think that some newbie may look at my signature & think, “Wow, I can’t imagine trying for that long.” 15 cycles have come & gone. I’ve stared at countless negative tests, willing a second line to show up. I’ve overanalyzed symptoms, convinced myself that THIS month, things will be different.

Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted. – Winston Churchill

I think I’m ready to change it.

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September 17, 2011

Struggling.

Having recently started cycle 14 (& halfway through month 16), I’m struggling. With not being pregnant, but also where to go from here.

McDreamy & I are pretty firm believers that everything happens for a reason. There have been MANY times that we’ve been disappointed only for things to work out much better than we could have ever planned later on down the road. In planning things or trying to accomplish a large task, if things aren’t going right, we stop & reevaluate. Maybe it isn’t the right time to be trying to buy a car, or maybe this isn’t the car for us – that sort of thing.

So now there is this internal battle raging. I’m not pregnant yet, but maybe it’s because we aren’t ready in some shape or form. It just isn’t the right time for us. We are in a pretty good position right now, but maybe we’ll be doing even better 6 months from now. On the other hand, maybe I do just need medical help to get pregnant. I got into see the RE very quickly, the appointment went well, so there is nothing (at this point) that says that isn’t a good option.

In the middle of all this is the fact that I know sometimes, shitty things happen for no reason. I’ve seen it too many times to count. It drives me crazy when people say “It happened for a reason” after someone has a miscarriage, or their baby dies, or their mom is killed in a car accident. It’s what people say when they are trying to comfort the grieving, & it sucks. I don’t believe in God in the Christian sense, so I don’t think that “God has a hand in everything” or what have you.

But I do know that for us, when things aren’t working out like we want them to, there is *usually* a really good reason. Case in point: we tried to buy a house after about a year of marriage. We had loan issues – their were some liens on McDreamy’s credit from his previous marriage, our credit scores weren’t great, & then our broker went on vacation in the middle of everything & handed us off to someone who had NO CLUE. It was a disaster, & we finally just gave up. We waited a year (& worked hard on our credit) before we tried again. We ended up with an AWESOME realtor, found our house pretty quickly, & sailed through the loan process. The house we ended up with is 1,000,000 times better than the original house. Now logically, I know that we didn’t get the first house because of real, concrete problems. But that is just one of many instances where things have sorted themselves out way better than we ever could have.

Logically, I know I should make an appointment for my CD3 blood work, & we should be looking at starting our first medicated cycle. But my heart just isn’t there yet. Maybe it’s the eternal optimist in me that likes to come out to play every once in a while. Or maybe I’m just not ready to admit that I can’t get pregnant on my own. Either way, I think we are going to wait until after the first of the year. Get through birthdays, our anniversary, & holidays (especially Christmas). If I’m not pregnant by then, I’ll re-evaluate.

I really hope I’m pregnant by then.

May 18, 2011

Focus.

I’ve been meaning to update Ye Olde Blog for several weeks now. I’ve got several posts simmering on back burners right now, but haven’t really had the passion to write them down.

So, an update. McDreamy finished his field training, meaning he is now working the night shift. Alone. Well, not totally alone, there are other guys on his shift, but alone as in, only one in the car. Like, backup might be miles away alone.

I’m a complete contradiction over this. On one hand, he is GOOD at what he does. I trust him to make good judgement calls & come home safe at the end of his shift. I don’t really mind being home alone, other than the fact that I sometimes often lose track of time & end up not going to bed until 1am. Mainly because I get sucked into the vast expanses of The Internets & before I know it, it’s late (10:32pm) & I still have dishes to do & laundry to wash (because I have NO scrubs to wear to work tomorrow) & there are so many dust bunnies I need to sweep up that I’m afraid they are plotting world domination starting with my house, & before long, we will all be subservient to the dust bunny war lords & it will be all my fault.

On the other hand, he is ALONE. In the dark. Checking buildings when alarms go off, stopping (potentially) drunk people for swerving, going to houses on domestic calls. Now, typically, there is an officer to assist in the first & last scenarios, but still. He straps on his bullet-proof vest on work nights & drives away into the impending darkness. My husband has to wear a bullet-proof vest to work. ::deep breath:: & because he’s gone, the dogs are on high alert ALL.NIGHT.LONG. The slightest noise sets them off into the Apocalyptic Death Nell. It is ridiculous. They were like this when he was in the academy, too. But then, he would come home in a couple of hours. Now, he isn’t home until morning. Which means I usually get at least one rude awakening that has me reaching for my gun because OMG THERE MIGHT BE AN INTRUDER THIS TIME FOR REAL. It’s quite nerve-racking.

In uterus news (are you listening, GOP Uterus Police?!), I had my appointment with the RE today. We discussed my long, sometimes anovulatory cycles. He feels that I probably have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). He recommended 3 treatment cycles with a medication to help ovulation. If I haven’t gotten pregnant by the end of the third cycle, we’ll pursue testing to see if there is a secondary reason. He feels that, baring any other issues, I may have just not had enough true opportunities to get pregnant due to my lack of ovulation.

He gave me the choice of the standby Clomid, or a drug called anastrazole. They work differently, but achieve the same effect. Clomid is an anti-estrogen drug; it binds the estrogen receptors, effectively stopping the effects of estrogen – which signals your pituitary gland to produce more Follicle Stimulating Hormone (FSH) & Lutenizing Hormone (LH). FSH & LH are the two hormones primarily responsible for follicle growth/eventual ovulation. The side effects are mainly due to the estrogen-blocking effects – vaginal dryness, mood swings, thickened cervical mucous, thin uterine lining. Clomid has been approved by the FDA for treating infertility caused by anovulation.

Anastrazole is actually a breast cancer drug. It is used to prevent breast cancer in high-risk women, because it is an estrogen suppressant (most breast cancers are estrogen-driven). Instead of completely blocking estrogen like Clomid does, it lowers the overall level of estrogen. The level is low enough to still cause a stimulation of FSH & LH, but without completely shutting down the other functions of estrogen – mood regulation, thinning of cervical mucous, thickening of the uterine lining. Using it to help with ovulation is off-label (which I’m okay with).

I’ve chosen the anastrazole to start with. But, because we are out-of-pocket for all treatment expenses, it will probably be a few months before we start our first treatment cycle. I still need to go in for blood work on day 3 of my next period (obviously if I’m not pregnant this cycle) to measure FSH, LH, A1C, lipids, prolactin, etc. The doctor is also going to write a letter of medical necessity to my insurance company to see if they will cover a test for Fragile X (which is a gene linked to mental retardation & autism – my maternal half-brother is severely autistic). Luckily, my CD3 blood work & baseline ultrasound will be covered as diagnostic, so that helps. But a cycle will still run us between $200 – $400, depending on how well I respond & whether I need additional drugs/blood work/ultrasounds. We could probably swing the $200 next month, but not $400. We’ll have to save up for that.

This month has been absolutely crazy. McDreamy started nightshift, Christina is getting married, we had massive storms & tornados all across the region (& in our figurative back yard – lets say  I’m very lucky to still have a job to go to). So, I am on a self-imposed charting break this month – that is to say I have no effing clue where I am in my cycle. IF I ovulated “normally”, I should be starting my period (or be getting a positive test) in the next day or two. If not, who knows? I’ve decided I won’t test until Saturday morning, & that is only because Christina’s wedding is Saturday & I shouldn’t drink if I am in fact knocked up 🙂 The doctor pulled a progesterone test today to try & confirm whether I have ovulated or not, so that should help.

& now that I am quickly approaching 1,000 words (this is what happens when I slack off & don’t update often enough!) I will bid you adieu, before your head explodes from the wordiness of it all.

P.S. Could you please pray/light a candle/meditate/whatever you do for me? I’d really like to see a second line on Saturday so I don’t have to shell out wads of cash to get a chance at a baby. Thanks.

April 16, 2011

Right on time.

Instead of looking at it as starting over, I should look at it as another chance to get it right.

Right?

On the bright side, at least I already made my midwife appointment for the first week of May.  I figured it would work out to either being my first pregnancy appointment (at 6 weeks) or my one-year TTC appointment + yearly visit. Looks like it’ll be the latter (& as the fates would have it, exactly 364 days since my IUD removal).

April 10, 2011

Scattered.

I’ve had so many post ideas in the past 2 weeks, & now, I can’t think of one. Good grief.

Things have been mostly good around here. I’m pretty sure I’m 7 DPO (days past ovulation) & we had excellent timing this month. Of course, we’ve had excellent timing before & it didn’t mean squat. But, I’m my usual optimistic self, counting down the days until I start testing (T -4 days). I even went so far as to calculate my estimated due date – Christmas.

This also means that on our one-year TTC anniversary, I’ll either be 6 weeks knocked up, or I’ll be seeing my midwife for my yearly check-up & to discuss a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist). I’d prefer the former, obviously.

In the meantime, I’ve been thinking more & more about home birth. We live a good 30 minutes from the nearest (competent) hospital, which means that I’ve always discounted home birth as not an option for us. I just wasn’t comfortable being that far away. But a couple of weeks ago, I dragged Christina with me to a doula meet-n-greet at a local baby store. I met a doula who lives in the town near me (which is farther from the hospital). She teaches Bradley classes, which I plan on taking once we are officially expecting, but she also said she had birthed at home with a midwife. This intrigues me, & I plan on sending her an email to find out which midwife she used. I’m also comforted by the fact that McDreamy could conjure up a police escort if need be 🙂 Maybe a home birth isn’t out-of-reach. Now if only I can convince McDreamy!

I’m definitely going to have to start writing my post ideas down. I know I want to do a “Home Tour” post sometime soon, with pictures of the things that make our house a home. Maybe I’ll go get the camera & start taking pictures.