Archive for January, 2012

January 23, 2012

Chemistry.

The face of depression isn’t always a sad one.

In fact, I’m willing to bet that no one other than McDreamy could tell you that I am depressed. I’ve even managed to hide it from him for a long time. I managed to hide it from myself for even longer. Probably because my depression doesn’t manifest itself as sadness most of the time. Yes, I get sad, & I cry over stupid things, but mostly, I’m angry. & tired. Oh, so tired.

I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired. I’ve tried sleeping more, sleeping less, different mattresses, sleep aids, et cetera, infinity. Nothing helps. I’m always tired, unless I don’t get decent sleep & then, I’m exhausted. Small, easy tasks are insurmountable obstacles because I can’t possibly have the energy to do a load of laundry when it takes everything I have to stay awake & breathe. I want to do things, I just simply can’t.

I’m so forgetful. McDreamy can ask me to do something, & within minutes I’ve forgotten, so it doesn’t get done. I start something & it takes 3 times longer to finish it because I get distracted & forget what I was doing in the first place. I can put something next to my purse so that I “won’t forget it!” & then walk right out without it.

& then there is the anger. Or, THE RAGE as I call it. It bubbles up inside of me so quickly, at the smallest thing. Sometimes, I can squash it back down, but most of the time it takes over before I even realize what is happening. I have zero patience. I feel like a crappy parent to Zola more & more often; her issues make it challenging to do things with her, & my fuse is so short that I avoid playing games or doing crafts with her because OH MY GOD, YOU AREN’T DOING IT RIGHT, & DO I REALLY HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS AGAIN?!? I know how horrible that sounds, trust me. Which is why I avoid doing things with her that I know will trigger it. There are a lot of times that I just have to walk away. I hate hate hate it. I feel like I’m turning into MY mother, which is the worst possible fate in the universe. I KNOW what it was like growing up with her; I know what it felt like to be her daughter. I don’t want that for Zola, & I don’t want it for any other children we may someday have.

Once you combine all of this together, I feel like the biggest failure on the planet. I can’t keep my house clean, so I fail as a wife. I can’t get pregnant, so I fail as a woman. I can’t be interactive with my daughter, so I fail as a mother. I can’t hold my temper, so I fail as a person. Everything I do is wrong, no matter how hard I try. I want to be a good wife, a good mother, a good person. I try so, so hard. But it isn’t good enough.

It isn’t good enough because my brain chemistry is out of whack. The chemicals in my body are betraying me, every day. They are causing these feelings, this little voice telling me that I’m not worth it. They are causing the bone-crushing exhaustion that envelopes me & keeps me from doing the things I so desperately want to do.

& this sounds like excuses, which is another reason I’ve put off getting help for so long. I (& that little voice) had convinced myself that I was just a lazy, mean bitch. I had convinced myself that this is just how I’m made, that if I really wanted to, I’d get up & do the dishes. If I really wanted to, I could have more patience. That if I wanted to, I could stop being so lazy, so angry, such a failure. That surely, I must be doing something wrong.

Well, I was doing something wrong. I wasn’t getting help. But that’s about to change. Because I’m going to fight chemistry with chemistry, & be the person I’ve dreamed of being.

Bring it on. I’m done being depression’s punching bag.

January 2, 2012

12 Things in 2012

(inspired by Jill over at BabyRabies.com)

This is the year of 2012, & there are 12 months in the year, so here are 12 things to accomplish in 2012.

1. Get fertility testing done. Our insurance covers it (minus co-pay), so there is no *real* reason not to. Plus, if we figure out what is wrong, or what isn’t, we will be one step closer to a baby.

2. Clean out the loft. It is crammed full of stuff that came from my mom’s house & the storage building my dad rented. We have aspirations of lining the wall with bookshelves, & possibly carving out a craft area, but that won’t happen unless I wade through all of the stuff. I’m not even going to make myself get rid of it all, but it has to be gone through – & whatever I am keeping (even if only for the time being) needs to be packed away & stored.

3. Purge my closet & repurpose old t-shirts. I have eleventy-billion old t-shirts that I never wear anymore but can’t bear to throw away. I have them from soccer, dance, band, track, senior year, dorm parties, et cetera, ad naseum. I think the main logo parts of the shirts should be turned into a quilt while other parts can be made into cleaning rags, skirts, headbands, and other things as seen on Pinterest 🙂

4. Get rid of the gigantic entertainment center. It is beautiful, & we’ve enjoyed having it in our living room. But it’s huge. Plus, it has so many shelves crammed with so many knickknacks, it’s a dusting nightmare. I envision the TV mounted on the wall, a cabinet underneath to store gaming consoles & BluRays, & a few strategically placed, sleek, modern shelves with only the most treasured few things displayed.

5. Get outside more often. I hate the cold, & it gets hotter than Hell’s furnace in the summer, but we really need to get out & get active more. We have three high-energy dogs, plus a little girl we need to be teaching good habits to. Neither of us are adverse to outdoor activities, so I don’t know why we don’t take advantage of our area’s nature trails & such more often. We recently ditched our TV provider, which means our options for mindless zombie time are now seriously limited. Hopefully, this will help in our quest to leave the couch for longer than it takes to get another soft drink.

6. Achieve a solid sit, stay, & quiet command with each dog. Oh, they can sit – if you have a treat present or they think you are close enough to inflict bodily harm (not that we do!). They will stay, most of the time… well, at least dogs #1 & 2. Dog #3 is another story. She was the dog we didn’t want, & has so many other issues (medical) that her training kind of slipped by the wayside. & forget about “quiet”. They can’t hear you over their own voices, so it’s a moot point, really. Which is REALLY annoying when you are on the phone & they *think* they hear something outside; surely it is the aliens coming to attack & they must warn you & scare off the intruders. I swear they will drive me to drink if I don’t get some semblance of control.

7. Meet up with my girl(s) at least once a month. We have Zola every other weekend, & I often ride with McDreamy on the weekends he works, but I have every Wednesday off. & really, I can make the time. So, we will coordinate schedules & meet up at least once monthly. For coffee, for lunch, for whatever our schedules & budgets allow. But I will hug their necks & take silly iPhone pictures, & just enjoy seeing their faces. We don’t do it enough. While the internet & social media have made connecting with friends easier, they can’t – & shouldn’t – replace our entire friendships. Yes, it’s easy to text someone between projects at work, but if you can’t find 30 minutes to have a cup of coffee with your best friend? Well, frankly, you don’t deserve them as a friend.

8. Visit my grandpa. It’s been 4 years since I’ve seen him. I talk to him every couple of weeks, but he’s hard of hearing & a lot gets lost in translation. He lives about 10 hours from here, which isn’t insurmountable, but when you factor in time off from work, plus gas (or airfare) & food, it isn’t a cheap trip, either. But, he’s 88 years old. He’s in decent health, but we all know our time on Earth is limited. There are things I need to ask him, things I never got the chance to ask Mom. & he’s my grandpa. It’s important.

9. Finish the “baby” blankets I started… almost a year ago. There are two. I started them just after New Year’s 2010; one for a baby born in May & one in June. They still aren’t done. I had intended them to be baby shower gifts… then newborn gifts… then Christmas gifts. Luckily, they are both (going to be) big enough that it won’t matter they won’t be babies anymore. But I HAVE to finish them. Period.

10. Budget for Christmas 2012. Christmas always sneaks up on us. This year, WalMart brought back layaway, so we went in November & got all of Zola’s gifts, plus our niece’s. Then I went to a local boutique (who also offers layaway) & selected everything for the women in the family. I made a payment to each every payday, & it worked out quite nicely. This was the best Christmas we’ve had, money-wise, because I divided it out & payed every week, religiously. We didn’t go crazy on gifts this year, either. Zola got 5 or 6 things from us, & everyone else got $20-30 worth of presents. We didn’t put anything on credit this year, which was a HUGE difference from last year. This year, I’d like to put aside money each month in preparation for Christmas shopping. We KNOW Christmas will be December 25, 2012, so why not plan for it?! What a novel concept, I know.

11. Finish putting the kitchen decor together. It’s painted. That’s about it. I have this vision in my head of what I want it to look like. There is some sewing that needs to be done, some crafting, some carpentry by the ever-handy McDreamy, & some switching of the art. I’d also like new hand towels, rugs, & pot holders. It’s not new cabinets & countertops (someday!), but it will go a long way towards making the house look more finished, & making me happy 🙂

12. Visit the farmer’s market & actually use the produce bought there. I LOVE farmer’s markets. Pretty much everything about them, really. The produce, the crafts, the people. I love that buying from a farmer’s market puts money directly in the farmer’s pocket, supports sustainable farming practices, & nets you a wholesome, often-organic bag of produce for less than what you’ll pay at the grocery store. I’m a farmer’s daughter, so I know a thing or two about fresh-from-the-garden produce. But I am ashamed to admit that I am guilty of a produce sin; more than one lovingly grown-and-harvested vegetable has met its demise in the cold confines of my produce drawer. Having carefully selected it from the tailgate of a truck, I took it home fully intending to make a gourmet meal with it as the star, only to be distracted by something prepackaged & laden with artificial colors & preservatives. So it languished in the drawer of the refrigerator only to be thrown away, it’s yummy potential squashed (ha!) by my forgetfulness & unintentional shunning. So this year, I will visit the farmer’s market again, but this time – oh, this time – I will NOT allow good produce to go to waste.

What are your 12 things in 2012? (It’s harder than it seems!) Head over to BabyRabies to read other’s lists & link up your own!