Infertility.

McDreamy & I had a talk this weekend. He wanted to know where we are, TTC-wise. His exact words were, “I just need to know where we are. We used to talk about it, but we aren’t talking about it anymore. If we know we need help, why aren’t we getting it? This is me, wanting a baby.”

I cried.

I have a lot of excuses as to why I haven’t gone back to the RE yet. Want to hear them? Ok, you talked me into it.

1) Because I don’t always ovulate, we haven’t had as many chances as other couples. We just need more chances.

2) The RE wants to do 3 cycles of meds + timed intercourse before pursuing testing. His reasoning is the same as excuse #1. We are OOP for all treatment, BUT testing is covered, so I’d really prefer to do testing first.

3) I don’t want to have to take off work to have testing done (because some of it has to be done on specific days of my cycle, which obviously can’t be scheduled).

4) I don’t want to have to take off work to have ultrasounds, etc. during treatment.

(Side note: neither of these work excuses are because of money/time lost. They are because we are an extremely small operation & I obviously have an inflated sense of my irreplaceability)

5) Maybe there is some cosmic reason I haven’t gotten pregnant yet. (Yes, I hate this excuse, too)

6) I don’t want to admit that I can’t do this. That I need help. Yet one more thing I suck at (this excuse usually surfaces during one of my less-productive mood cycles, when dishes are stacked in the sink & the laundry has taken over the couch).

7) We are OOP for all treatments. It is a lot of money for even the chance at a baby. There are no guarantees. There are so many other things we could spend the money on, if only I can get pregnant on my own (well, I need McDreamy, but you know what I mean).

But really, the biggest reason, I think:

8 ) I will be officially labelled as infertile. Probably to likely unable to conceive without medical help. Maybe just plain unable to conceive.

I’ve known for a while that I have infertility. I’ve talked about it before. But really, until it’s written on a medical chart? I can pretend it’s only a possibility. I can refer to excuse #1, without being labelled “in denial”.

Have you ever heard of “borrowing trouble”? Until that word is written on my chart, I can convince myself that I am borrowing trouble, succumbing to my attention-whoring ways. I have no right to get angry when people say, “Just relax!” The sting I feel when people ask when we are going to have kids isn’t real, I’m just being sensitive.

But here we are, 18 months into this whole baby-making thing. With no baby to show for it. Not even a line on a test. I remember when I first started posting on the baby board I frequent, I met ladies that had been trying for 2+ years. I couldn’t imagine being in their shoes. I couldn’t imagine trying, month after month, for that long. I couldn’t imagine the pain, the disappointment at seeing red at the end of every cycle. Seeing negative after negative test. But always hoping.

We are quickly hurtling towards the 2-year mark. I’ve been on the board for almost 3 years now, & it is strange to me to think that some newbie may look at my signature & think, “Wow, I can’t imagine trying for that long.” 15 cycles have come & gone. I’ve stared at countless negative tests, willing a second line to show up. I’ve overanalyzed symptoms, convinced myself that THIS month, things will be different.

Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted. – Winston Churchill

I think I’m ready to change it.

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