Struggling.

Having recently started cycle 14 (& halfway through month 16), I’m struggling. With not being pregnant, but also where to go from here.

McDreamy & I are pretty firm believers that everything happens for a reason. There have been MANY times that we’ve been disappointed only for things to work out much better than we could have ever planned later on down the road. In planning things or trying to accomplish a large task, if things aren’t going right, we stop & reevaluate. Maybe it isn’t the right time to be trying to buy a car, or maybe this isn’t the car for us – that sort of thing.

So now there is this internal battle raging. I’m not pregnant yet, but maybe it’s because we aren’t ready in some shape or form. It just isn’t the right time for us. We are in a pretty good position right now, but maybe we’ll be doing even better 6 months from now. On the other hand, maybe I do just need medical help to get pregnant. I got into see the RE very quickly, the appointment went well, so there is nothing (at this point) that says that isn’t a good option.

In the middle of all this is the fact that I know sometimes, shitty things happen for no reason. I’ve seen it too many times to count. It drives me crazy when people say “It happened for a reason” after someone has a miscarriage, or their baby dies, or their mom is killed in a car accident. It’s what people say when they are trying to comfort the grieving, & it sucks. I don’t believe in God in the Christian sense, so I don’t think that “God has a hand in everything” or what have you.

But I do know that for us, when things aren’t working out like we want them to, there is *usually* a really good reason. Case in point: we tried to buy a house after about a year of marriage. We had loan issues – their were some liens on McDreamy’s credit from his previous marriage, our credit scores weren’t great, & then our broker went on vacation in the middle of everything & handed us off to someone who had NO CLUE. It was a disaster, & we finally just gave up. We waited a year (& worked hard on our credit) before we tried again. We ended up with an AWESOME realtor, found our house pretty quickly, & sailed through the loan process. The house we ended up with is 1,000,000 times better than the original house. Now logically, I know that we didn’t get the first house because of real, concrete problems. But that is just one of many instances where things have sorted themselves out way better than we ever could have.

Logically, I know I should make an appointment for my CD3 blood work, & we should be looking at starting our first medicated cycle. But my heart just isn’t there yet. Maybe it’s the eternal optimist in me that likes to come out to play every once in a while. Or maybe I’m just not ready to admit that I can’t get pregnant on my own. Either way, I think we are going to wait until after the first of the year. Get through birthdays, our anniversary, & holidays (especially Christmas). If I’m not pregnant by then, I’ll re-evaluate.

I really hope I’m pregnant by then.

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One Comment to “Struggling.”

  1. What a powerfully honest post. You are brave for sharing. I don’t like that phrase things happen for a reason either. What else can I say, but I hope you get pregnant. I hope you are celebrating the holiday next year in a different way. Aloha. 🙂

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